My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
