it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I love you. Go after that dick
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
