if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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