Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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