btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
