Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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