keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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