ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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