Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Dick very happy bro
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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