phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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