Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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