Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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