My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
