I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
