I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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