I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
