If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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