Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
