youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
