Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
