two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
