my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
