So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
This is classic penis vs brain.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
