I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
