I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
