This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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