Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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