You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
