I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
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