i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
