new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
