I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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