if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
