im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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