At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
