so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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