Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
