I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
