She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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