a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
