dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
