Can i not drive my cunt home
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
