Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
