kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
