He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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