I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
