the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
