Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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