She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
