Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
