Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
