If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
